Oscar night madness...
Mom: Who's this Scotsman?
Me: I dunno, but he can keep talking all night I MEAN UM...HI!
Me: Oh my God...[Saturn's rings] look like a Clay Aiken shirt.
Me: These shorts really grit my crap...well, okay, not literally.
Me: Doodle cock-a-cock!
My musings on Neopets: Ew! You can feed your pets shit!
Me: As someone so eloquently put it...ow.
Tipsy me: The stackage was real!
Me: I think it was the camel that broke the straw's—oh, shit.
During a post-prom Crazy Eights game: Major...sucks...dick...
Me: It's a major part of the plot, unportunately.
Me: Ew! There's fruit flies in my foofy!
(I was referring to a furry scrunchie, you dirty pervs.)
Me in the Christmas store one year: Bondage Santa!
My favorite gag gift: I'm ODing on Dam-It-All.
My draft research paper for Spanish class: Many Spanish speakers work in the Untied States.
A verbal typo this time: Ew! There's friggin' flute fries on my toothbrush!
During Spanish class: Look! Look! I can write 'BOOBLESS' on the calculator!
LOL trig: Am I the only one thoroughly frightened by the talking addition sign?
Me: Well, you're not Jacob. Shit, nobody's Jacob. Except maybe Nick.
Me at karaoke: I can't dance on the tables to this!
Me: Shaddup! They'll be here any minute and I don't wanna be caught dead discussing my boobs.
Why I should never have kids: Okay, if I have kids—if I have a girl, I'm naming her after an alcoholic drink...now, Brandy or Sherry?...VODKA! I'm naming my kid Vodka!
Me: I'm gonna be 5'8"! I'm gonna be 5'8"!
Me: Why is everyone fondling meeeee?
Me: I'm so happy...I'm so lucky. I have everything...including a cold.
I think I meant "asexual": Ugh. Girls...Men. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I were androgynous.
Me: YOUR ASS IS SQUEAKING!...wait a minute...
Me: Hey. I'm dating someone who sees more to me than my umbrella.
A very frustrated me: Oh sure, lots of tender loving care is going into [making someone's birthday present]...along with a lot of 'Aw, shwit' and banging my head against the wall and cursing the bugger out because I utterly screwed it up the first time...
Me: Pens are against me today. They're dying on me left and right.
Out-of-it me: I swear to calzones, I want God!
Written on a paper while on the bus: CALONES!
Me: Yeah, you're right. If you think you've just thought of a new sort of porn, it probably exists already. Think about it. If there's StarCraft porn, hentai, and all that other good stuff, there's gotta be cat porn, dog porn, bird porn...lizard porn...Jacob porn...
(Aw shit man, I only left out tentacle porn!)
Me: See the hacky sack. Feel the hacky sack. Be the hacky sack.
Bobby: If I had a plan, it'd benefit me.
Me: Aw, not me?
Bobby: It'd benefit you, you just wouldn't like it in the morning.
Bobby: Grab a girl, oof oof gone, no problem!
Bobby and Obed: Smirnoff. It does the body good.
Obed: Do not do drugs!...Fuck that, I do drugs.
Me: Just ask me any U2-related question and I'm almost sure to know the answer.
Aaron: What's the new Bon Jovi song?
Bobby pretending to meditate: Ummm...Ummm...
Bobby: It's all Barbarian Motor Works.
(Neither I nor Kim had the heart to tell him what BMW actually stands for...)
Bobby: I want a big wedding! I want all the presents!
Aaron: What's HPU? The Hawaii Police Department?...Oh wait, that's HPD.
Snippets from a conversation at Ken's House of Pancakes...
Amber: Fork you!
Ricky: Spoon you!
Me: Jam you!
Jeremy at karaoke: I just realized...I can't sing.
Jimmy: ...and they're gonna have albino kids...and I guess they're gonna name 'em Powder, Powder, and Laundry Detergent.
Jimmy: Yeah, you can fly. And I got a Scud missile.
Jimmy: Wait...I have CDs in this jacket pocket.
Friend of Jimmy: What do you have in your pocket?
Me: He has my dream in his pocket—wait, that sounds so wrong!
Anonymous male: Haha! You've got a holey crotch!
Anonymous female: You damn right I do!
Male: I'm not gonna bow to it.
Female: (laughing) I'm not takin' this any further.
Josh, as an ant crawls on his pants: This ant is violating me. It's groping me.
Alli's musings on Peanuts: C'mon! You had to have the bitch, you had to have the loser, you had to have Hot Sexy...
Aaron asking about King of the Hill: Bobby, is Hank real?
Bobby: He's got a Dodge...aw, fuck it...a Dodge—
Me: A Dodge Awfuckit? I want a Dodge Awfuckit!
Bobby: Kiss him! Grab his ass and make him say "Donkey!"
Bobby: Is he the one who looks like a vibrating belt sander?
Jason: That's the thing, Bobby, you never shut up.
Bobby: No! Nonono! Don't disconnect! I love you! No! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!...I disconnected.
In the supermarket parking lot...
Bobby: It's in her nature to take off a piece of clothing.
Me: What? I took off my tank top to go swimming. That's all the clothing I'm taking off today.
Bobby: But now you wanna take off your pants [to moon Jason].
Me: I don't want to! It's just...tempting.
Jason: What, you couldn't hear me? I was honkin' [the car horn] and hollerin' and everything!
Amber: Well, you know we can't hear your Southern Belle accent.
Me: I was sick last week.
Bobby: You're always sick!
Me: Not! Well, in the head maybe.
Bobby: That's what I meant!
Me: Okay, I was ill. Is that better?
Bobby: I was Ike.
Me: You're always Ike!
Bobby: Sorry. I'm engaged to the wall.
Jeremy: I wanna see that! It's a magnet! Magnets are cool! Magnets are your friends!
Anonymous boy: This...female over here...
Anonymous girl: I'm not really a female.
Jeremy: Do we all have [to read] the same story [in our group]?
Stephanie: Yeah! Are you that white?
Jeremy: What? You're white—
(Names withheld from this one at their request because they found out what I was doing...no fun D:)
Random guy #1 (to random guy #2): What happened to your ass?
Random guy #2 (to me): Hi. He's talking about my ass.
Random guy #1: Yeah. I'm talking about his ass and how white it is.
Random guy #1: He's pretty fly for a white ass.
Random guy #2's brother: *-*-*-*-*—W-H-I-T-E—A-S-S.
Mom: Shut your nose and just smell it!
Mom during Grey's Anatomy: You made him go, you oafuses!
Mom asking about Scott Stapp: What band was he in? Crud?
Mom: They're not Ho Ho's anymore. Now they're just Ho's.
Mom reading about Big Brother contestants: Wow, someone on the board picked up that he speaks Spanish! I'm surprised he can speak anything other than Republican.
Mom during the Grammys: Is [Bono] singing "Hello hello, may I please call Borneo"?!
Mom bungling geography: How do you think [SARS] got from Canada to Toronto?
Mom mocking a soap opera character: Help me! Help me! I'm such a strong woman who doesn't need a man—Help me!
Mom: What are you doing? You look like Little Johnny T-Shirt with that candlestick!
Mom misreading a Spanish word: Sensual toad?!
Mom: Is it so wrong for people to be afraid of snakes? For Christ's snake—I mean—
Dad bungling a popular song: The system is gonna getcha, system is gonna getcha...
Dad also bungling geography: Where is Florida?...I mean, where is Disney World?
Dad wanting Photoshop tips: Oh, [outer bevel's] ugly!...how [do] you do that?
Me: Well hellOOOOOOOOO! *giggles*
Mom: What are you doing? Are you downloading Larry [pics]?
Me: No, I'm downloading porn. I'm GIGGLING, that should tell you something.
Mom: You're downloading Larry.
Me: At this point I think you'd almost rather I downloaded porn.
Mom: But to you, Larry IS porn.
Dad: Wanna see something scary? (takes retouching away from a studio photo)
Mom: WHY DO YOU LIE TO PEOPLE?!
Me and Dad: That's the job!
Mom: (holding up tub of margarine) How come you bought this?
Dad: So you'd ask "how come you bought this?"
Me, gesturing toward some Guinness: Well, you know what I want for the holidays...
Mom, not paying attention: Bologna?
Second deepest conversation EVER:
Mom: What game is that?
Mom: These Drugs Don't Match?!
During a karaoke competition on TV, one singer hits a particularly sour note...
Me: [That was] flat! Flat! Flat like my chest!
Mom: Hey, don't be mean!
Me: What? I couldn't help it!
Mom: I meant don't be mean to your chest.
Mom, to Dad: Sunday's Father's Day, you know.
Me: Don't tell him! Then he'll know we forgot!
Mom: ...and that's how you make the puta!
Dad: You mean puto.
Me: Yeah, Mom, you're telling me I've been eating whores.
Me: There's a school of thought that he has Jimmy Kimmel's balls on a platter, that's why Kimmel's being nicer.
Mom: Dick [Clark]?
Mom: (laughing) Dick has his balls on a platter.
Sometime after having my wisdom teeth removed...
Me: (sings "Because I Got High")
Mom: What, did you take a Viagra?
Me: Viagra, Mom?
Mom: Oh! I meant Vicodin.
Mom: Does [Clay Aiken] have green eyes?
Me, sarcastically: No, he has red eyes.
Mom: Red hair.
Me: Red eyes and green hair.
Me: He...is a sophomore. He...is jailbait. *laughs*
Mom: Yeah, don't laugh! He will be when you're 18!
Me: I think I'm— (I was going to say fighting off a cold)
Mom: Don't even say it! Go get some feet on your legs!
Mom: Don't forget your [shopping] list!
Dad, looking at list: I can't just buy one medium olive, can I?
Me: Well, the thing I read said that there were nitrate and guano deposits in the area. That's all, nothing else mentioned.
Mom: No gold, silver, nothing?
Me: Not that I read.
Mom: So they fought a war over bat shit.
Me: [A boy I haven't seen in a while] reminds me of Jim Carrey.
Mom, who'd just been talking about how much she liked The Truman Show: Who's Jim Carrey?
As Mom cuts some barbecued ribs, a bit of sauce flies on me.
Mom: Oh, shit.
Me: I've been violated!
Mom: Well, it's just sauce, not meat.
Mom: [Kelly Clarkson] didn't sing 'Hallelujah' [in her performance of "It's Raining Men"]. What's with that?
Me: I don't know...separation of church and American Idol?
Mom: Say goodnight to the computer.
Me: Oh, go 'den! (Go, then.)
Mom: I'm telling you, you have to name one son Go 'Den, and one son K' 'Den. (Okay, then.)
Me: No. Three sons. Go 'Den, K' 'Den, and Oh Fine 'Den!
At the grocery store after running into a certain couple...
Mom: *laughs her ass off because we've known the guy in the couple since I was in third grade*
Me: Okay. Stop laughing at all the couples and keep shopping.
Mom: I'm laughing because the girl's cute. He's...ew.
Mom, pensively: Do you like yourself?
Me, distractedly: Yeah, for the most part. *pauses* I wanna go shopping.
Mom: I hope the place is empty as Hell.
Me: Hell is not empty.
Me: Ew! Fish and beans...no good together!
Mom: I peg your bardon! Beans go with everything!
Mom: I want [to go on] the computer. (for the umpteenth time)
Me: Hold your horses, it'll be a few minutes.
Me: Don't act like me! Only I can act like me.